


When He Needs Her

by ThatWildWolf



Series: When I Need You [2]
Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: As always the Doctor is fucked up, Comfort/Angst, Drama, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode: s02e13 Doomsday, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Love Confessions, Potentially Canon, and Sarah tries to comfort him
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-05
Updated: 2018-07-05
Packaged: 2019-06-05 21:39:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,171
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15179942
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThatWildWolf/pseuds/ThatWildWolf
Summary: Set during Doomsday.The Doctor is devastated after losing Rose. It makes him realize his feelings for more than just one of his companions, though.I wrote this when I was fourteen, so expect no smut.





	When He Needs Her

Sarah Jane.

That was not - although later he would try to convince himself otherwise - his first thought after the showdown at Canary Wharf, where he had battled both the Daleks and the Cybermen and learned the hard way that the universe wasn't about to give up on making his life as miserable as possible.

It was not his first thought after he had recovered from the initial shock and denial that came with the fact that he was, once again, alone.

The strangest thing was that he didn't even cry. There was just this emptiness inside of him as he stood alone in the teleport chamber that used to be a portal to another dimension. The portal which he had, despite the price that he had to pay, managed to close. He could still feel Rose's presence in the very same place where he was standing, another indication that the two universes were still tightly pressed upon one another. He thought that if he could feel her, then maybe she could feel him as well in that parallel universe, that maybe, if they tried really hard, they could _touch_.

But then, it was all gone and he parted with the wall he had no idea he was leaning against.

Oh no, he didn't break into crying or give up or anything like this. He felt so numb that it wouldn't make much of a difference anyway. Instead, he focused on everything around him, performing as many tasks at a time as he found possible. Somewhere deep inside, he knew that it was all part of his coping mechanism in this incarnation, but he pushed these thoughts away. Work. That was what he needed. He needed to focus on something else.

It was then, after all these _hours_ , that it had come to him.

Sarah Jane.

 _Sarah_. He felt his hearts sink in guilt. He had no idea if she survived. He didn't even bother to check. And suddenly, although it had been so hard to let go before, he found himself running to the TARDIS, then outside of the ship as soon as he landed.

The neighbourhood looked surprisingly good (by 'good' he meant 'intact') when compared to the other places he had seen earlier that day, and that was probably what gave him that little surge of hope that filled his hearts for a moment, but when he neared the house, he felt his blood run cold.

The door had been busted open, and, as he ran inside with growing horror, the more the whole image unveiled before him, the more anxious about his friend he felt. The hall looked as though a tornado had gone through. There were shards of glass and splinters lying everywhere on the floor, not to mention the broken pieces of furniture, some of which looked as though it had been burnt. It was all he could do not to imagine an uncontrolled fire or, even worse, an explosion, inside the house. Shuddering, he mentally punched his imagination. _Don't be stupid, there are no signs of wider fire damage_.

When he saw the state of the living room, he couldn't take it anymore and something just broke inside of him.

"Sarah!" He ran from one place to another, desperately trying to deny what had to be the truth. Suddenly, everything that had him so worked up just minutes earlier seemed to lose its impact. Rose, Canary Wharf, the Daleks and the Cybermen - none of that mattered anymore. There was just him.

Alone.

"Sarah!" His voice now echoed his feelings perfectly with how free of hope it sounded. There was no hope. Not anymore. Just like everything else that mattered to him, she was now gone. Lost.

He cried out in anger, slamming his fist into the wall. The structure shook from the force of the impact, but didn't waver.

"Why?!" He roared. Not like he was going to get an answer. He hit the wall again, just to direct his anger towards something. It hurt, but he was fairly certain he deserved it. It was, after all, his fault that people around him got into harm's way. And now he paid the price- No. No, he didn't. _They_ paid. Just because he was so selfish, people got hurt. Rose was gone because of him. Now also Sarah. The feeling of guilt which was growing stronger with every second had been overwhelming even before. That was, he tried to reason with himself, why he had stayed to help. Why he had put up with Torchwood, the same people who were responsible or any of that happening in the first place. Why he had practically _offered_ to clean up their mess. He could have left. It would have been so easy, had he not been overcome with guilt.

He had nothing left, he realised. He clenched his fists. The universe would pay for ever getting in his way. They would all regret. Anger boiling inside of him, he took a step towards the hallway, intent on running away from this sad place, very much ready to wreck havoc across the universe, when he heard a crack. Moving his foot away, he noticed that he had stepped on a photograph.

He frowned and picked it up. The glass was shattered and the frame cracked, but the picture was clear enough. He stopped, staring at it with surprise.

Looking at a photo of himself hundreds of years younger was strange enough, but looking at a photo of himself from before the War just hurt. He was smiling. There on that photo, that was genuine happiness. And of course, there was Sarah standing next to him.

A single tear found its way out of his tightly shut eyes and slowly flowed down his cheek.

"...Doctor?"

He froze.

He didn't want her to see him like this- in this state. But when he finally did turn around to face her, he was filled with only positive feelings. _Alive._ Relief was probably the most superior at the moment, but he also felt a strong surge of disbelief. After everything that had happened that day, it didn't seem possible for anything he held dear to still exist.

She looked at him with what couldn't be anything else but concern.

"Alive," he barely managed to get out. His voice was rasped, and it surprised him just how much. He shook his head, mouth agape. His eyes were shining. "How?"

She approached him carefully in the way one approaches a stray animal, all the while talking in a calm voice, as though afraid of startling him. "You showed me that trick with the gold, remember?" She reached out, as if wanting to touch him, but took her hand away. Normally, he would probably have been offended by being treated that way, but he simply didn't care, instead focusing on the sound of her voice as she spoke to him. He drank the words, not really noticing their meaning. All that mattered was that she was saying them. "After all, it's not like I'm helpless..." She gently caressed his cheek with a hand, and he just looked at her, all the pain and loss and anger reflecting in his shining brown eyes. "Doctor?" She stopped when he didn't respond. Her voice wavered. "Talk to me."

He couldn't take it. He grabbed her wrist abruptly, not sure what he was about to do. For a moment, a part of him wanted to hurt her badly just to get back at the universe, just to show that he wasn't helpless. It wouldn't be very hard, just a snap in any direction. She wouldn't resist.

He wasn't sure what would be the outcome if he hadn't looked down at her. There was no sign of fear in her expression, just pure concern. That was probably what made him snap out of the trance and release her, eyes wide in shock. He let out a ragged breath as he realised how close he was to actually hurting her. And she just looked at him with those big sad eyes of hers, not cringing away from the monster he saw inside himself, not in the slightest way afraid. She had to know- damn it, she _had_ to be aware that he could hurt her. And yet she didn't do anything. She just trusted him.

He didn't deserve that trust.

He buried his face in his hands, waiting for his feelings to clear out. It was a mistake, it was all a mistake. He couldn't let himself accept the loss of Sarah. But this time, he was sure of it, she saw the darkness in him. First Rose, and now also Sarah Jane. He had lost them both.

It wasn't until he felt that she was firmly holding him that he broke into soft, quiet sobs.

oooOOO~OOOooo

"Rose is gone." It wasn't a question."Isn't she?"

He nodded gloomily, although the confirmation wasn't necessary. Sarah wasn't sure what to say. She had never seen him so quiet before. Of course, she knew that, sooner or later, everyone who travelled with the Doctor paid the price. That was why, she believed, he had left her in the first place. His, however brief, explanations sounded weak and unsure, and it was clear that he just didn't want for her to get in harm's way because of him. It was selfish, but she initially held onto that belief because it made her feel that she was special - not only in the eyes of the world, but for him. Then she learned to cope with the fact that maybe she wasn't, but she was fine with that. The Doctor was definitely special, and being able to consider herself his friend was enough to satisfy her. Technically, she was now everything he had, and that thought filled her with ever more sadness. It was so easy to forget that Gallifrey was now gone - she had never gone there after all, and would never get the chance to do so again - and that for the Doctor, his human friends were now the closest thing to a family he had left. Those friends of which, apparently, she was the only one left alive. On the other hand, she had liked Rose, and, although the news of the loss of her didn't surprise her in the strictest of terms, she did feel a bit down. Especially as she noticed what it was doing to the Time Lord. Not only his sadness showed physically by the drooped shoulders and gloomy gaze, it was also strong enough that it seemed to mentally radiate through the weak mental link between the two of them, making Sarah painfully aware of his feelings.

"It's not like... I could probably still be able to make some kind of connection between the dimensions. You know how it works with the parallel universes, remember?" Sarah nodded, unsure as to which of their adventures exactly did he have in mind, but fully aware that he needed her to listen. "It's just that it wouldn't be permanent, and... I'm not sure what to say..."

"Just... tell her you love her," Sarah said, hating herself for the surge of jealousy she was feeling. She had promised herself that she wouldn't hold it against him. She even liked Rose. They were fine. Then why was still bitter over the whole thing? Besides, she knew that the Doctor was happy with Rose now. She should be grateful that he still had a significant place for her in his life, not mourn over a relationship apparently long since over.

"Just tell her that you love her," Sarah repeated, this time more confidently.

The Doctor was silent.

"You love her?" She had been intending for it to be as cold and reserved as she could possibly make it sound, a simple statement of a fact, but, terrifyingly, it came out as a question. She frowned visibly. It wasn't her intention to put what seemed more than obvious into doubt.

"Never did quite the same way I love you," he replied before she could add anything more, and her mind and heart both seemed to have done a backflip as she realised she couldn't recall if he'd ever told her that he loved her before.

He got up with a sigh and quietly walked out of the room, mindful of the pieces of broken furniture which lay scattered across the whole house, but she still didn't dare to as much as move, his words ringing in her head. _Never did quite the same way I love you._

Love.

Not 'loved'. Love.

Her heart skipped a beat as she almost tripped over in a hasty attempt to get up, her eyes widening in sudden realisation.

"Doctor!" She screamed frantically, although she already knew she wouldn't catch him. "Oh my god!" She could hear the rasping of the TARDIS engines, and yet she still ran as though she had a chance of keeping up with him. "Doctor!"


End file.
